anyone with an internet connection (or access to any news source) has probably heard the hoopla surrounding Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. the very sensationalist (and very poorly written) Wall Street Journal op-ed piece that started it all has been endlessly dissected, torn apart and discarded, with countless ABCs (or KBCs, or anyone with immigrant parents) logging on to post their sob stories and declare Chua a monster. since i finally finished the book last night (and unlike others, have actually bothered reading it before weighing in), i thought i would share some thoughts.
first of all – i loved the book. it was funny, thoughtful, self aware and very self deprecating, and the parallels between Amy Chua’s children and how i was raised are unbelievably similar. there were parts where i was actually laughing out loud, and the experiences she describes were never shocking to me, instead, i found myself nodding along and being able to relate with both the reactions of her children and her descriptions and rationale of her actions. yes, there are times when she crossed lines & wavered dangerously close to crazy, but again, this book is a memoir on the failings and successes of a woman parenting her children in the best way she knows how – it is not a How To guidebook, nor does it ever come off as the superior authority on parenting across the board.
what is clear from the book and very unclear from the articles & discussions is that Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a lesson in learning to balance the sometimes unrealistic dreams of a parent with the desires and abilities of a child. i was also a child violin prodigy, shuttled off to endless lessons, up to 8 hours of practice a day, and making my Carnegie Hall debut at the same time as Chua’s eldest child. i also actually did a masterclass with one of the teachers that Chua talks about in her book, which was a complete blast from the past, but the violin stuff is another story for another day. one thing i will point out though is that the majority of the anecdotes in the book relate to a child who is playing an instrument at a competitive level, something that takes an unbelievable amount of dedication and energy. i believe that any parent of any race who has a child who is playing at this level will be able to relate to at least some of the battles that are waged – no child (or very very few) can handle the many hours of practice a day (and lessons and rehearsals and competitions) it takes without some kind of excessive encouragement, be it the “right” or “wrong” kind.
the similarities also extend to the way that her daughters were pushed, what Western parents would categorize as abuse, i simply look back on as the best way my mother knew to motivate me. like Chua’s youngest daughter, i was rebellious, extremely hyper-active, terribly precocious and unwilling (or unable) to put my mind to learning unless there was someone standing over me, threatening success or death. yes, i hated my mother as a child, yes i thought she was insane, horrible, mean and vindictive, but as an adult there has never been a moment where i regretted the way i was raised – the experiences i gained through my mothers relentless drive (not to mention the literally hundreds of thousands of dollars spent, countless hours and years and years of turmoil) gave me the tools to be successful and the ability to face this world head on. never once as an adult have i ever doubted that my mother ever wanted anything less than the best for me, and while we are close now and have a good relationship, as a child i did not need to be best friends with her and even then, this was something i recognized and accepted.
i did not come away scarred from my experience (or any more so than any other child – all parents make mistakes), and this is not to take away from anyone who did experience a similar childhood and is still dealing with the after-effects. the bottom line is that the book is entertaining, thought provoking and definitely worth a read, but like the author, flawed and un-apologetically so. parenting is a journey that will be different for each & every mother or father, and at best Amy Chua’s experiences have made me think about what kind of mother I want to be, and how I will take the lessons from how I was raised and pass them on to my children.
(photo taken from compfight.)
